I'm a thirty something, happily married, mother of two... and I'm starting out on a journey. Well, that's not exactly accurate.. I've been on a journey for a while, but how do you really decide where each journey starts when life is really a continual journey? But the pieces I've been picking up, and putting back together, they're starting to show in real, concrete changes.
Like, I'm moving in a week. I'm moving from my pretty, suburban, house in my pretty, suburban, neighborhood.. and I'm taking my family with me. I've been aching to get out of Utah since... well, probably since I graduated from college in 2003.. but I got married, he got a job, we bought a house, we had a kid, we bought a bigger house, we had another kid, he got a promotion.. and it just never seemed the right time. We finally realized the truth of Newton's first law, that an object at rest stays at rest until acted upon by an outside force. Our life wouldn't change unless we acted.
Three years ago, when my youngest was about 9 months old, I found myself in a dark hole. I wasn't sure how I got there, and I had no idea how to get out. (Actually, this is probably the real beginning of this particular journey.) I had spent my life, consciously and unconsciously, working towards the goal of being the best, little, stay-at-home mom that ever was to a houseful of cherubs. And here I was, two kids in.. and depressed. I spent my time sleeping too much, failing to keep the house clean, and feeling guilty for sleeping too much and failing to keep the house clean. When I finally found my way to a therapist and told her who I was and how I felt and what I was thinking, the first thing she said to me was that she had counted, and I had used the word 'should' 35 times in the half an hour I had been there. My life had become dominated by should's. There wasn't room for 'I want' or 'I need' or even 'I'd like' because I was trying to finish the 'I should's' first. And let's face it, 'should' can be a list that never ends. And then she asked me why. Why should I? Who said? Who decided those were should's? And it blew my mind way open.
And so now, Newton, I am acting. After three years of reading, talking, writing, soul searching, talking, crying, researching, talking, thinking, rethinking, yelling, praying, talking...and sifting through who I was to uncover who I am. After all that, I am now moving my family and changing my life. In the end, we aren't even getting out of Utah, not just yet. (There were a couple of months where Seattle seemed REALLY possible.. but sometimes, life gives you what you need, instead of what you think you want.) In fact, we're only moving 28 miles away. BUT, since we are moving from the heart of a conservative suburb in Utah to a liberal, hipster downtown neighborhood in SLC it's feels like a whole new world.. with a quick commute for friends.
So, in a week, I'll be in a new place, with who-knows-what ahead of me. I'm hoping it's grad school.
