a letter to my mom

Sent my mother a letter today.. I'm tired of hiding such a big part of my life and who I am from her... I hope she can understand..

Mom,

I love you. I want to share something really important with you and I'm not sure how to say it.  I think it will hurt you and that's not something I want.  The crazy thing is, from my point of view, it's a good thing. I am happy. I feel lighter than I have in years. I have searched my soul and pondered all these things in my heart and have come to a place of peace. I know you have noticed it too, because you have told me how happy and fulfilled I seem. I feel like I am finally living true to what my conscience dictates and what the spirit guides. And yet, the spirit has directed my path away from the church. I know this will pain you, but I do not believe the LDS church is the right place for me. I tried to make it work, but have found too much I can't believe in and too much that is harmful to my spirit, and I just can't belong there at this time.

The last couple of years (well, really, my whole life, but especially the last couple of years) I have been on a journey, searching for what I really believe. Searching for truth and divinity and love. I did not come to this decision lightly. I have searched, pondered and prayed. I have wrestled with my demons and agonized over the right thing to do for myself and my family. And I will continue to do so. I believe in spirituality. I believe in loving one another and taking care of the least among us. I truly believe that a loving Heavenly Father cares more about my actions in those regards than in whether or not I belong to the right church.

I hope you will be able to see that I am still me. It's taken me a long time to realize that it's not only okay for me to make this decision, it's my obligation to myself, my girls and those around me to be true to myself and to follow the promptings I have felt.

I don't want to talk specifics about doctrine or debate issues of the gospel.  I'm not telling you this to start any fights or worry you.  I just didn't want to hide this huge aspect of my life from you. I love you very much, and want you to know what's going on with me. Again, I am happy, and feel good about where I am and how my life is going. Who knows what the future holds, as I said, my search for meaning and what is right will continue. But for now, this is my path. Thank you for loving me. I know that this letter won't change that, and that is an amazing gift.

Love always,
Danielle

shoe against the window

I'm having one of those, middle of the night, existential crisis moments.. the kind that, in my single college days, would have had me racing to the arms of the nice boy who loved me, who I did not love.. I'd throw a shoe at his window and he would come out on his porch, regardless of the hour. He would tell me all I need to hear, kiss me if I wanted, and I would use him to try to patch the hole in my soul, like trying to dam a river with duct tape.. and while I hated myself for using him, it felt like a necessary act of self-preservation, what else was I to do.

Now what do I do... The boy upstairs tonight would not understand, and would not tell me what I need to hear.. though he *would* kiss me if I wanted. I embody emotion, and I married logic.. can logic and emotion really be true companions? I tell myself we are the perfect compliment to each other.. but can that be true if we never understand each other? I've been working to patch that hole myself for years.. and while it's getting smaller, I still keep leaking out from time to time.. I still keep having to shove myself back together... and when that happens, and it's 1am, and the world is quiet and the words in my head are so loud... what do I do?

Maybe I should start drinking after all.

and so it begins..

Got an email today.  I've been accepted to a graduate program.  Just like that, and my life starts a new chapter.  Why does bad news feel like something you knew was bound to happen and good news feels surreal?  Must go pinch myself a couple times, and starting planning for fall. :)

My soul on paper

Grad school applications want you to submit an essay detailing who you are, and what you've done and what you want, and why.. basically, to pour a little of your soul on paper.  It was almost a cathartic experience to write this.  For your consideration.. my paper.


The day I learned I was pregnant with a baby girl was the day my passion for social change began. Growing up poor in a small, conservative community, I had been defined and limited by my gender and socioeconomic status. Neither of my parents went to college, and so I felt incredibly fortunate when I was able to attend. However, I had inherited the idea that college was merely a pit stop until I was able to fulfill my real purpose in life: marriage and children. I had loved college, loved learning and striving and pushing myself. Yet, I did not hesitate to put all that behind me when I got married. I took an uninteresting job that paid well and settled into the role of wife, excited for the fulfillment I had been promised. I then spent four years trying to get pregnant. My focus was entirely on getting to the promised land of ‘motherhood’, and how incomplete I was as a person until that happened. I didn’t continue my education or work towards a career. It never occurred to me to do so. Years of my life passed, month by month, waiting for a stick to turn blue. I baked, babysat, decorated and slowly died inside.

 One day I stumbled upon an online community of women, and discovered my situation was far from unique. With their support, I began to look outside the home for distractions. My younger sister was about to graduate from high school, and I offered to help her with the transition to college. As I worked with her I felt recharged. It was not only the joy that comes from helping someone. I truly enjoyed the process; researching options, taking action and witnessing a plan take shape. I began to take the initiative within my groups of friends and family, taking on the challenge of planning and organizing events. I found immense satisfaction in the logistics. A problem to fix became an opportunity and I looked around me for more.

Then it happened. The stick turned blue, a bump began to show and I found myself in a small room being told, “it’s a girl!” As I contemplated the life growing inside of me, I often thought of the world I had grown up in and the messages I had heard. In preparation for childbirth I read dozens of books and took in-depth classes. It surprised me how much information most women are unaware of. As I discovered that knowledge gave me options, the less my quest was limited to birth. As a child I had given potential roles little thought. It was assumed my future was motherhood, and I did not question. Only when facing infertility, defined by what I was not, had I begun to wonder what I could be. Recognizing that I did not want that for my daughter sparked something new inside me. It was an awakening to the power of choice. Amidst dirty diapers and crushed cheerios I educated myself on women’s issues; reading books and articles, watching documentaries and Ted Talks, listening to podcasts and to the concerns of the women around me. I joined organizations and started asking questions. Watching my little daughter grow, I learned to find and embrace my voice. I became haunted by the lack of choices so many women are faced with, and, as with the other problems I encountered on this journey, I was driven to find a solution.

I wanted to improve the lives of the women in my local community. Motherhood was a much lonelier and more frustrating place than I had expected. Reaching out, I found that I was not alone. Many women feel a sense of isolation and a greater difficulty forming close connections. “Woman’s greatest calling” is a lot to live up to. Repetitive mundane tasks, a lack of any measurable accomplishments, and the societal pressure to remain positive, leads many to anxiety and depression. All of us trying so hard to be perfect, sure we are the only ones who can’t seem to make it happen. I decided to form a women’s group in my neighborhood. We arranged activities and shared personal triumphs and tragedies. More than just a place to manage child care and share resources, we were a refuge.
I felt compelled to do more. An opportunity arose to become a childbirth educator, and I jumped at it. I researched the various methodologies, compared the different certifications, and threw myself into the education. Within a few months, I had my own business and have spent the last 3 years educating small groups of couples in 10-week, comprehensive, evidence-based classes. Sharing the empowerment of knowledge and choice that I had found with other women was so gratifying that it energized me to go further.

To get involved at a higher level, I began volunteering for causes and political candidates that promote education and social programs for women. Before I knew it I was a representative of my precinct and represented the voters in my neighborhood at county and state conventions. Now I am pursuing additional education. I was recently able to take classes in both sociology and economics, and became immediately engrossed. Participating in class discussions and immersing myself in the reading, I found again that passion for learning and an outrage for injustice. Returning to academia also presented many challenges. I soon discovered a huge resource in the online communities of women to which I belonged. Women from many different groups were asking the same questions I had, and among them were women who had the answers. I recognized the potential to gain both academic assistance and a community of support, and so I created a new group. In less than a month, membership had grown to 65 people from across the country, and it’s still growing. The group has been a tremendous asset for us all. I completed my first college semester in over ten years with a 4.0 gpa and group of women cheering me on.

All of these experiences have magnified my sense of purpose. The ability to work closely with women, to aid in their education and witness their journey, continuously inspires me. I want to spend my life working to build communities of women who can fight for each other. I am driven, proactive and passionate; what I need are the practical skills to promote real, concrete changes in my community and beyond. I am confident the Master of Arts in Community Leadership can take me there. I will bring my passion and ability to my education. When I graduate, I will take my education to the community and use it to further empower, educate, and support women.