shoe against the window

I'm having one of those, middle of the night, existential crisis moments.. the kind that, in my single college days, would have had me racing to the arms of the nice boy who loved me, who I did not love.. I'd throw a shoe at his window and he would come out on his porch, regardless of the hour. He would tell me all I need to hear, kiss me if I wanted, and I would use him to try to patch the hole in my soul, like trying to dam a river with duct tape.. and while I hated myself for using him, it felt like a necessary act of self-preservation, what else was I to do.

Now what do I do... The boy upstairs tonight would not understand, and would not tell me what I need to hear.. though he *would* kiss me if I wanted. I embody emotion, and I married logic.. can logic and emotion really be true companions? I tell myself we are the perfect compliment to each other.. but can that be true if we never understand each other? I've been working to patch that hole myself for years.. and while it's getting smaller, I still keep leaking out from time to time.. I still keep having to shove myself back together... and when that happens, and it's 1am, and the world is quiet and the words in my head are so loud... what do I do?

Maybe I should start drinking after all.